“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.” – George Eliot

As I turned twenty this year, I could not shake the feeling that my life was going by faster than I could keep up with. My memories have started to string together and get jumbled in my head, I have lost touch with friends I thought would be by my side until I died, and it has finally hit me that this is my life. This is it. Today and every day. 

But twenty means something else to me too. It means it is time to grow up and figure out what my purpose is. I have had one too many meaningless nights and I can feel my priorities are shifting. My life is getting lost among the distractions and the sparkle. I always say we were meant to live not survive, and it is about time I start taking my own advice seriously. I am meant for something greater and I can do greater things than what I have been doing. I want a different kind of sparkle, the kind that inspires and grows and helps people. I refuse to be another body moving toward conformity. My choices should revolve around making myself a better human being, not immediate gratification. I want to run and jump and live life like the person I want to be. I want to read books and write and take naps and learn and teach. I want to be the person my heart is telling me to be. The people in my life deserve to be appreciated and loved with my whole self, and I need to become the person who can do that. 

Twenty is my time to grow up and be a better person. And it is the time for me to face my problems head on and learn to appreciate the next twenty years. My life is in need of a little turn around, and I am excited to experience the new me. 

Dear RSB

Dear Rach,

Hey baby girl. It's me, your cloth buddy. I wish you could see yourself right now, and how strong you have become. I remember the first time I met you and you smiled at me with a glow that would stop anyone in their tracks. I remember our first lunch date. I remember our first night out. I remember the first time you cried when we were out. I remember when we became sisters. And I remember when I had to say goodbye to you. I also remember the person you were when you came into my life. Looking back on that girl now, I can hardly recognize you.

You do not stumble at adversity. You do not falter when asked to sacrifice something for someone you love. I know when something does not go how you planned it all out in your mind, you count it as a failure. But I have to let you know something that I do not think you were ready for until now. You cannot fail. The strength you have inside you is not done evolving, and when you least expect it, you will look at your life only to realize how happy you finally are. But you must stop looking. Stop searching for that perfection. Stop worrying about what happens next, because you cannot predict it.

He is coming. You may have met him, you may have loved him, you may have never laid your eyes on him. Know that for every day you have spent searching for him, he has been searching for you too. He imagines what you may be like, and wonders what you will teach his children, what kind of music you listen to, if you will love him as much as he already loves you. And one day, you will know what it is like to have your heart connected to someone so strongly, that nothing could tear you apart. The kind of love that cannot be broken or tarnished. One day it will be yours.

Know that you are beautiful. And the things you hate about yourself, everyone else envies them. The things you wish you could be are insignificant compared to the things you already have. The day you see that is the day your life will become exactly that: your life. Just you. Stop looking at everyone around you and making them feel better about themselves, they will be just fine. Be selfish. I am giving you permission to tell yourself you are beautiful.

Take one minute today to list the things you love. I can help you. You love Jews, cats, snuggling, naptime, Netflix, documentaries when you fall asleep, not wearing pants, wearing Hippie clothes, your mom, your dad, writing, making people laugh, dancing, your belly button, a good book, a good cry, and your sues.

Your mom always says you have a sticky mind. And one day it will stick how you make the lives of people better, simply because they met you.

i love you.
-me

Here's To You

Here is to all of you.

To you who told me I could never make it. That my life would never be a product of my abilities, but rather the consequence of the world I was born into. That I could never make a difference. That I would be the person everyone told me I was meant to be.

To you who told me I could. That my dreams would never be maximized. You showed me all the world could give me if I only gave to it. You painted the walls of my soul, and awoke me to all the possibilities I was told were out of reach.

To you who taught me that money is not everything. That this world could be so much more than it is today. Money is only paper and we can do so much more than collect piles of it. You taught me to grow rich from experience, from life. That the value of my very being could never be a number; it could only be measured by how much time I had spent soaking up the rays of goodness in the world. You brought me out of a small world of artificiality, and into a universe.

To you who became my best friend from the time we were six. You taught me joy. You brought it into my life and you made it stick. You showed me how to dance with passion and fire and happiness. And you never told me no. If I needed you, you were there. If I wanted to talk of running away to Europe, you played along and asked where we would go first. You instilled in me the ability to laugh at myself, and to laugh at you. I am forever in debt to you and your glowing spirit. Don't let anyone extinguish your gingerness.

To the culprits of my broken heart. Boy after boy, and man after man, you all chipped away at it. It was not one of you, but all of you. You made me fall fast, and you broke what was never yours to break. To you I say, you will never break it again. Someday your heart will break too, but know that I never wished it upon you. I hope you never know the pain you have caused me. But I hope you never cause it again.

To you who loved me well. The five of you that I know are my soul mates. There was never a better reason to use the term soul mate. To you who makes me smile, to you who sees my soul, to you who picks me up, to you who never judged, and to you who melts my heart. To all of you who must know that life brought us together and will keep us together. That I would never be who I am without each of you. That you have touched my heart and brought a light into my life that could never have been found without you. Know that your life is more valuable than you will ever know.

And to you who I am waiting for. Someday it will no longer be you, or me. It will be us. You will love me and I will love you, and it will be just like that, nothing more. Because that is all we need.

Here's to you. The lovers and the haters. You made me the person I am today, and because of you, I am proud of me.

"Happiness is only real, when shared..." -Into the Wild

 

Are you ever tempted? To leave the life you lead and discover a more beautiful version of yourself, or to explore with no strings attached, nothing grasping to you to stay around. There is a fine line between what you are blessed with and what you take advantage of. The artificiality that consumes so many lost souls disheartens my ability to believe in a positive future for our generation.

Imagine the world that I do. Dream of a freedom we have never felt before. Not the kind of liberty we are constituted with, or the kind found in the world we are born into. This is true freedom. If tomorrow I sold my belongings, drained my accounts, and gave myself up to the world, how bad could it really be? Some may believe it to be selfish. How could I be given so much only to throw it away? But is it really all that much.

We have developed the habit of stitching together all the pieces of fabric we can find and calling it our life. A bit of happiness, a bit of discomfort, a piece of memories, and a swatch of disappointment. Our hearts are so set on getting by and not drowning that we never step back and look at that life. We do not see how the fabrics fit together in a way that makes sense. It is imperative that the world begin to see value in the memories we make, and the people we meet. A world that throws away the gold and replaces it with cooperation. That is the world I want to see.

Chris McCandless gave away his thousands of dollars to charity, changed his name, and wandered the world looking for satisfaction. Reading about such courage and vivacity awakened something in my heart. Of course I would never challenge someone who believes their life truly makes them happy. If you are meant to be at that desk and you are meant to work nine to five until the day you die, then you are doing what most people could never dream of: living your passion.

My passion is not ordinary. It cannot conform. It does not flow like society wants it to. Someday, I will live it. And someday, the rest of the world will finally understand what it means to be free.

My Angels

"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us."
- Epicurus

  We came together in the strangest way really. But I guess all friendships are strange. There is no definition of what friendship really means because it means so many different things to so many people. To some it is companionship and security. To some it is a shoulder to cry on. But to us it is different...to us, it is laughter and song and adventure. It is unity and diversity. It is what we believe in when everything is falling apart. If a stranger looked in on us, they would never understand how true the bond really is. But that is kind of the point of a true friendship; it means these people understand when no one else does.

 

First there is Kate D'Orsi. It really isn't a surprise that we met because we live together. But it is a surprise how easily our friendship blossomed. Kate lights up any room she walks into. I remember on move in day, she kept popping into my room asking to help and reminding me to do all sorts of little things on the registration check list. I think the moment I knew we would be friends was when we accidentally stumbled into the wrong suite, completely convinced we lived there until another girl came out and told us we were in the wrong building. We could barely walk down the stairs because we were laughing so hard. She is the glue of our group. She holds everyone together and unites us all with her charm and energy. Kate genuinely cares about other people, and would never let something go unjustified. She is on top of our plans from dinner times to movie nights. Without her we would lost...

Then there is Paige Kelloway. She lights up my world in ways you could never imagine. With the strongest heart I have ever encountered, Paige is passionate about anything and everything she does. On Kate's birthday, Paige walked over a mile to buy candy from a gas station down the road from school to bring back for her. Opening our door and seeing her standing there brought me to tears. She looked at me like it was not even a strange thing that she did. Paige believes in us. That's what she brings to our friend group. She never falters or forgets something important to you. Anything that you love she loves too, simply because that's what friends do. I can always count on a text or a call from her making sure my day went well. When we disagree with her, she listens. She is more valuable to me than she can ever know, because she reminds me of the emotion-filled, passionate person that everyone should always have around them. She is the kind of person who makes you better, just because she is there.

Next is my little rockstar, Rachael Siegel-Berele. I honestly have never met such an influential and talented person. She has this way of summoning a smile to your face, even when you never thought your mood could change. She dances with me, and impersonates everyone you have ever met, and we quotes endless movies together; basically my other half. Rach would not every think about putting herself before others, and she will always be there when you fall down. While she is so strong and steady, she is also filled with emotions that would put even the most incredible poet to shame. When she cries, I can't help but be proud of her. She feels every part of life, every single millisecond. She believes in the good of the world and in the people who affect her. Rachael is someone I would like my daughter to be exactly like. Independent, spirited, and alive. When I am sad or worried, she knows exactly what to say. She jokes about loving to diagnose people, but she doesn't realize that that is the quality that makes her amazing. She knows what is wrong and what can fix it. She keeps the smiles in our group everlasting. She would never let us get down on ourselves or get bored, because that would be a tragedy. She encourages our individual strengths, and isn't afraid to speak her mind. Rachael is the type of person that you listen to, because for whatever reason, she always knows what is best.

Finally there is Robin Gottlieb, our shining star. Robin is brilliant and is the type of person who never goes unnoticed in a crowd. She is beautiful and confident. But she is so much more than that pretty face of hers. Robs is the most positive person I have ever met. She is always smiling and making you realize it is all going to be okay. I never worry when I am with her. There isn't a rhyme or reason, but just because she is Robin. Plenty of our jokes are at her expense, but only because she can handle it. Robin is a doer. She makes us go out when we don't feel like it, she is sure to bring any of us out of a funk, and she never forgets to say her most typical sentence, "Awe babe I love you!". Robin always reminds you of how much you mean to her, and often has moments of clarity for all of us. She vows that we will all be in each other's weddings and babysitting each other's kids. And because of her, I know we all will make it.

"Many people will walk in and out of your life but only true friends leave footprints upon your heart..."

Challenge Accepted

Life always throws hurdles at you when you least expect them. It tests you, it makes you cry, it makes your life difficult. But the harder the hurdle, the higher you realize you can jump. We find our fullest potential when must transcend over the most difficult of challenges. No one ever said at the end of their life, "well that was easy." Because it never is. Life is good and gracious and magnificent; but no one said anything about it being perfect.

When I am in the middle of a conflict, something that seems so big and important at the time, I have to constantly remind myself that it is not the end of the world. In my mind, it always is. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect and to live in a perfect world. But that is not living. Living is jumping and leaping. Living is pretending to be a superhero in your backyard when you are 9. Living is falling and getting back up again. Living is failing three tests in a row before realizing that maybe you are not studying right. Living is flawed, and broken, and indescribable. But it is good.

Then the day comes when you are thankful of all the hurdles. When you realize how strong you are, and you owe every ounce of that credit to life kicking your ass. Everything you thought was insurmountable turns out to be just a blip in your life map. All we can hope for is that the blips are not big enough to make a dent. But even then there is hope. That is the funny thing about living; it deceives you. When you think time is up and there is no where left to turn, there is always more to come.

Our true test of character is not the time it takes to conquer the hurdles, or how perfectly we conquer them. It is rather a sense of endurance. Perseverance is the most esteemed quality we are given in life. I do believe every person has it, it is just a matter of finding it. Digging deep and finding what it is that makes you carry on is what makes a persons strong.

"I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles..."

-Christopher Reeve

A New Kind of Plan

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." 

-Andy Warhol

When we are children, we never see the hatred of the world. We are instead captivated by its shimmer and shine. The world is a playground, and somewhere along the way, we forget it. But as we grow, we are forced to be reasonable and rational. No longer does the shimmer and shine seem logical, but instead it is seen as a distraction.

For me, there was always a plan. School, marriage, job, kids, make loads of money, and then retire and live a lavish lifestyle. That is the life I assumed was expected of me, because that is what most had done in my family. The idea was that you had to be miserable to be happy in the end. Money mattered; security mattered; the facade mattered. That was the life we were raised living and that seemed like the only endgame.


But one day I decided that was not enough for me. I decided that, to me, the money did not matter. The status did not matter. All that mattered was how I felt, every day, when I got out of bed in the morning. I wanted a life of deliberation and meaning. So I changed my goals. I spent a long time deciding how I would change my plan to fit my needs and wants, but I finally realized the plan was what was holding me back all along. I determined what I wanted in the end. In the end, I wanted to change the world for the better. I wanted to see that world-not in the luxurious way most would wish to see it-in the most humble way possible. I wanted to be a modern day Chris McCandless, minus the dying in a bus part. But the point is that I wanted the liberating feeling that comes with doing something you love.

My goal in life is not money, or fame, or a luxurious lifestyle. Instead, I am going to be the change I want to see in the world. People are always talking about how this country needs fixing and this world needs mending. But without work to be done what would be our purpose? Live a life chalk full of adventures and magnificent stories to tell: that is the goal. Because at the end of my life, I want to look back and see an interesting life, one that was a force to be reckoned with. Not because it made everyone stop and stare, but because it made me happy. And because it made at least one other person want to do the same.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "Always do what you are afraid to do..."

And I intend to do just that.